Bleacher Critic Gifts

Bad Knees.

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'Oh, and this ringtone is an app that alerts me when a fly ball is headed my way.'

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

Vendor selling testosterone.

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'

'Anderson! On this team we slap hands or slap fannies after someone scores a run. We do not slap faces.'

Bench clearing brawl, $5.

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

"Whoa. Check it out, Doug. Your ex-wife is sitting right below us with that dolt she ran off with..."

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

'He's not a skilled pitcher. In fact, he throws like a nerd...'

Fan-Centric Stadium

"As fans we are smart enough to understand the game, but not smart enough to realize how unimportant it really is."

'...So what if all the other parents screamed at the umpire?...'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

'Shake it off, Dewey! Getting hit by a pitch is as good as a single!'

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'Time out!'

No Strike Zone Man.

'I hired a local guide. He knows every square inch of this stadium...'

'There was a time when I considered making myself available for the NBA draft. But one day I realized, hey - I'm a slug! I don't have an athletic bone in my body!'

Spring, 1998: The world of sports is paralyzed by an equipment managers' strike.

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

'Upon further review, the ruling on the field is upheld. The catch was totally constitutional. Touchdown!'

'Don't panic! Remain perfectly still. Do not make eye contact. If he attacks, curl into a fetal position and play dead.'

How to show some hustle.

'I knew this would happen. The scorekeeper and time-clock official have been throwing elbows and talking trash the entire game.'

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'

'Yo, Bob! I think a heckler just nailed me with something. What's on my back?'

Dugout sale!

'Just made a pass. I'm running for the end zone.'