Bland Food Humorist Pillows

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Lesser known greek gods,

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'The Burrito King.'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Charles didn't like tofu."

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'Look, you're just going to have to cut back. Times have changed. . . Today's kids are full of hydrogenated oils, trans fats, corn syrup, and all kinds of preservatives.'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"