Bland Food Humorist Gifts

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"Charles didn't like tofu."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'Look, you're just going to have to cut back. Times have changed. . . Today's kids are full of hydrogenated oils, trans fats, corn syrup, and all kinds of preservatives.'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"