Vintage Food Humorist Pillows

'No cowboy's tough enough to handle Cookie's grub. Just ask Wild Bill Hiccup and Wyatt Burp.'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Lesser known greek gods,

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

A Club Sandwitch.

"Charles didn't like tofu."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Lockdown casserole

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Garlic Free Zone.

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'