Humorist Who Loves Food Pillows

"Take Away Food" tramp waiting round corner to pounce

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'I think I'll go home and eat'

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Garlic Free Zone.

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

Better Not Squash.

Cat eats date.

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I can assure you ladies all our eggs come from free range chickens."

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

'We just invented cooking yesterday, and already she's serving leftovers!'

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

'Well you said you wanted sushi for lunch.'

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'