Food Critic Humorist Pillows

"Yuck. I could make better crêpes fourrées aux boeufs brouillés au parmesan myself."

Your kitchen should get its act together. This is Manhattan clam chowder, and yet the fly in this soup has a New England accent.

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

'Trading Standards...'

"Not here,sir - I suggest you try the church next door."

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

"Your apple surprise, sir."

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

Lesser known greek gods,

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

Cat eats date.

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'