Gastronomic Humorist Pillows

House of Beans.

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

A Club Sandwitch.

Garlic Free Zone.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"