Beer Critic Gifts

"...an excellent fighting lager with just a hint of park bench."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'If by 'great', you mean 'terrible', then yes, we have plenty of great beers for under $4.00 a six-pack.'

Beer Stall

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"If the weather stays good, we could end up in a very prestigious 1992 Cabernet Sauvignon."

Buy one beer, get one free. If I may paraphrase a famous quote, "Beer is proof that God has mixed feelings about us and wants us to be hungover."

"Try this new IPA I just finished. Let me know if the malts and hops are layered like last week's batch." "Bailey was a really 'good boy'."

F&E Diner. Beer. Wine. This wine paralyzes the taste buds --- It goes with anything!

Don Quixote

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'That's her second pitcher and she doesn't even like beer - I guess she just likes to pee.'

"I detect a subtle bouquet of money."

'Are you sure this wine is ten years old?' - 'Yes, I remember opening it ten years ago.'

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"Quick swig first?"

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

Wine tasting

Red Wine

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

I never heard of chunky style wine. I couldn't find any seedless grapes.

Lightest beer on the market. Carbonated with helium.

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.