Beverage Critique Gifts

What year is this? Pardon? Aromatic. Full-bodied. Very approachable. Buttery. Swish swish swish. Yet with aggressive undertones, and an unforgiving aftertaste. Acidic after all. I should like another year. Something crisp yet dry. It's instant decaf coffee brewer with tap water! He's quite aggressive. And not so full-bodied. Pretentious people stink.

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'If by 'great', you mean 'terrible', then yes, we have plenty of great beers for under $4.00 a six-pack.'

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

I've decided to shift down a few gears.'

"Got any bathtub gin?"

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

Buy one beer, get one free. If I may paraphrase a famous quote, "Beer is proof that God has mixed feelings about us and wants us to be hungover."

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

'That's her second pitcher and she doesn't even like beer - I guess she just likes to pee.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

Another reason farm raised fish aren't as healthy as wild ones.

'Been toying with Bordeaux futures again, have we?'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

Drinks for the post-caffeinated economy

"...an excellent fighting lager with just a hint of park bench."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

"Tap anywhere to begin."

An art director eats: 'Waiter! Does this lettuce say 'salad' to you?'

"Of course it's not easy to read the body language of someone who's basically inert."

'The Entrecote a la Bordelaise? It's stuff on a plate.'

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

'You're a nihilist, eh? — well, at least you have something to believe in.'

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

When Gordon Ramsay gets re-incarnated as a fly.

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

'Waiter, I don't remember ordering this gristle!'

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."