Drink Critic Gifts

'This tasted a lot better at the trade show, Sammy.'

'I've got a really important meeting today, so give me something that will get me so drunk no one will want to mess with me.'

Drunken Man on the Moors

"Hey barkeep! Is there anything but the Food Channel on the microwave?"

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

6 Brothers Falafel

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

Some days at work can be more challenging than others.

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Rump roast?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Needs salt!'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."