Basketball Season Opener Gifts

'And with that basket, it looks like ... Wait. Let me check. ... Yes! The momentum once again has shifted.'

'The score is tied and we've only got a 20-second timeout, so we've gotta be quick. ... I'm 'X'. Who wants to be 'O'?'

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Church for sports worshipers.

'Just how big of a tailgate party are you expecting to have?'

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

I only root so hard for my time because I hate your team so much.

"Lautrec or Gary? Hmmm... We'll take Gary."

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

"College basketball recruiters are after him."

Gary turns 40.

"How should we divide the teams?"

The Popularity of Pickleball Inspires a New Wave of Hybrid Sports.

The Salmon Run

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

"We can't Sunday. We've been invited to 'you know who's' skybox."

'Pass it to Dewey! He's got himself into some kind of rhythm!!'

'Wow! That's some growth spurt!'

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

Perils of the double play.

"Winning isn't everything, Josh. Not being the reason your team loses is everything."

Brad discovers what can happen when you don't wash your gym clothes...

Another reason Chihuahuas hate basketball.

"I'm less a role model than a cautionary tale."

'Let's go over our secret play.'

'Wait!... I don't want to take Brady out right now. He's just getting into rhythm.'

Before getting a basketball scholarship, Jack worked at a pancake house.

Kenny Dalglish

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

The bovine who jumped over the news went on to a great career w/ the Bulls!

'And now, please stand and join us as complete amateur butchers our national anthem.'