Baseball Fanatic Gifts

Taking the dog for a walk.

"As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against bringing the high heat."

"Please stand and join us in half-assing your way through our national anthem."

'Yes... Now I see - no pocket. So perhaps the glove is defective.'

An outfielder catches a potential home run on a rock wall.

Umpire's Banquet.

"Sosa's great, but McGwire is my hero."

Successful Baseball Teams Rely on a Good Pharm System.

'I am beginning my windup now. ... Drum roll, please.'

Opening day of spring training and the coach could already tell it was going to be a really long season with lots of testing for steroids.

'He was cleaning out earwax... then he sneezed.'

Let's try to get a different sponsor next year.

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

Baseball manager brings pitcher golf clubs

Actual excerpt from a 911 tape.

You pitched great, kid, but I'm bringing in the southpaw.

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

Why The Ball Is Jumping Out

"If the Yankees move to New Jersey, will you be going, too?"

"I dreamed the Yankees lost in Game Seven."

"And for a left-handed designated hitter and a player to be named later, Mr. Steinbrenner would gladly fly Elián home."

Stadium. Food. Beer. In a fan vote, pizza was chosen as the favorite food this season. Ah, so the hot dog is make a concession speech!

All baseball fans hope to one day visit Yankee Stadium. All country music fans hope to one day visit the Grand Ole Opry. As a hypochondriac, do you hope to one day visit the Mayo Clinic? ! !

This is great, Ernie, there's a pennant race and the ballpark is packed every day! The food selection here is unmatched anywhere! Today I've already had nachos, a bit of hot dog and some ice cream! Coming here always makes me queasy! Oh, the foods too much for you? No, I just get nervous in a place where the term "sacrifice fly" is used!

Yeah, I'm working from home today.

Baseball Cheating

Robot League Baseball. The player upgrades are great this year! New batteries and antennas will increase our home runs and decrease strike outs. They'll hit with more power, yet still make consistent contact! A software patch will cut down on errors. And the catcher's signs are encrypted now so they won't get stolen. Even with all that stuff, the most important upgrade is organic, grown in a biology lab! Yeah, every member of the pitching staff has a live arm!

People who meet in Heaven: Ben Franklin and Yogi Berra. I've always admired you aphorisms.

I think you've been watching too much baseball, Dr. Frankenstein.

"Poor Henry - he never returned from the All-Star break."

"When you've had enough of this father-son bonding I've got my Nintendo in the car."

"Slugger goes yard!!!"

"Hey -- if you ever want to talk about this no hitter, I'm here."

Octopus Baseball Fan

"Yin and Yankee fan"