Bar Storytellers Gifts

'I tried letting it all hang out, and somebody stepped on it.'

"Another flue shot, Larry.

"He'll never win this negotiation. He's saddled with numbers...but we have anecdotes."

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

'I told you. . . H not S!'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

"Actually, I don't know anybody here. I was just passing the house when I heard all the fun."

"This could get nasty..."

'What a twist of fate!'

"I've stopped looking for work, which, I believe, helps the economic numbers."

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

'I've gotten by on imaginative and innovative thinking. In other words, I make it up as I go along.'

'Sure, the term 'lab rat' has a lot of negative connotations but having drugs tested on you isn't so bad if you're a hypochondriac...'

"My wife is a doctor. That's great because I can endure the TV news only under general anesthesia."

"Ok Buddy. No more AB negative blood for you tonight!"

"Let Halliburton clean it up."

"With city rents stratospheric the filing cabinet is all she could afford!"

"O.K., Let's try this scenario..."

'Old McAllister is a real crank -- he has a conspiracy theory about Tom Bodett.'

"My wife left me and ran away with someone else..."

It's the same old story...boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl rips boy to pieces on a nationally syndicated talk show!

Cat up a tree with a pack of dogs heckling him to 'Jump!'.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

"My bar hopping days are over."

"I'm probably in the minority, but I would've loved to see Mantle on steroids."

"I must admit, though, it was a man who taught me how to abuse my power."

'Let me tell you about the three little pigs - First, they weren't all that little...'

Of course that was in the days when I was Lord of the Rings...

'Sorry, pal -- from behind, you look just like my girl friend.'

"Sure it looks good from the outside, but you try bob, bob, bobbin' along, day in, day out."

"Hey, big guy. Can I buy you a pair of underpants?"

He's not on a motorbike, he's got a very touchy wife!

'Wild Joe Walsh shot Johnnie 'The Undertaker' Jones at that very table - oh yes - we take our dominoes real seriously in this pub...'