Bar Conversation Fan Gifts

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"Global warming is a great icebreaker."

"It was the most relaxing massage I've ever had."

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

'I have a master's in 17th century Dutch feminist poetry, but I've never really used it.'

'Two large ones when you're ready please barkeeper'

'He doesn't actually drink much. He spills most of it!'

'But you distinctly said working breakfast.'

"I wish you'd stop obsessively checking your feed!"

"You know that tune you sang yesterday morning? It was stuck in my head the whole day long..."

"Okay, now this time just start chasing the squirrel instead of asking it to dance."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Wait … where’s Chicken Little? And who is ‘Kim Jong Un’?"

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

"What I drink and what I tell the pollsters I drink are two different things."

'Everytime the lawyers tell their old jokes they end up arguing over copyright infringement.'

"Do you think it's an accident of history that Freemasons live in houses and we live in trees?"

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

'Are you accusing my dog of identity theft?'

'How's my Mother? Not too good - You're sitting on her!'

"Actually, I'd love to work on Mars, but it's a hell of a commute."

'So...your Bowel or mine?' / A male tapeworm using a pick-up line on a female tapeworm

The Forgotten Men's Club

"I look at a man's hands. If he has long fingers it usually means he has long toes."

"If I use twitter to communicate, does that make me a twit?"

"Get lost, you bum!"

'Quit the act? That's not you, boss--that's the drink talking.'

"Mine's a metaphor. I don't know what's going on withyou."

Oh quit chasing your fifteen minutes of fame, you spend thousands of hours under surveillance cameras.

"I've got this phobia about paying bills...."