Bar Banter Fan Gifts

"What I drink and what I tell the pollsters I drink are two different things."

'So...your Bowel or mine?' / A male tapeworm using a pick-up line on a female tapeworm

The Forgotten Men's Club

"You know what I learned today? I learned you can't tell your boss he's a jerk and blame it on autocorrect."

"Mine's a metaphor. I don't know what's going on withyou."

Tapeworm: 'I'd invite you back to my Bowel, but it's quite a mess at the moment.'

'Quit the act? That's not you, boss--that's the drink talking.'

'My foursome doesn't understand me.'

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

Complementary Beverages

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"Is that neat whisky?"

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'He doesn't actually drink much. He spills most of it!'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'Two large ones when you're ready please barkeeper'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'