Bar Banter Fan Prints

"What I drink and what I tell the pollsters I drink are two different things."

'So...your Bowel or mine?' / A male tapeworm using a pick-up line on a female tapeworm

The Forgotten Men's Club

"You know what I learned today? I learned you can't tell your boss he's a jerk and blame it on autocorrect."

Would you ever consider a vasectomy, Al? Are you kidding? I get squeamish at the thought of a manicure!

"Mine's a metaphor. I don't know what's going on withyou."

Tapeworm: 'I'd invite you back to my Bowel, but it's quite a mess at the moment.'

'Quit the act? That's not you, boss--that's the drink talking.'

'My foursome doesn't understand me.'

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

Complementary Beverages

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"Is that neat whisky?"

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

'Two large ones when you're ready please barkeeper'

'He doesn't actually drink much. He spills most of it!'