Banter Fan Prints

Chemistry Trash Talk: 'I heard your mama thinks Pasteurized milk was named for Louis Pasteurize.'

You throw poop like a girl.

"I've never been a quitter - I've been sacked from every job I've had..."

'A cheeky red?'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

An Archeologic Dig

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Talking of of big tops have you seen the new barmaid at the Green Dragon?'

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'The boss is just a carrier - he doesn't get panic attacks, he just gives panic attacks!'

The Art of Bantering!

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Julie...would you cancel my 4 o'clock please...?"