Baptism Banter Gifts

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

A baby being christened in a scuba mask.

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

"I can never remember if it's smite or smote."

Lesbians for Christ

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"We're callin' 'im Bill, coz he came at the end of the month"

"Yo! You check the pH lately? I have sensitive eyes, ya know."

'He says its a subprime fruit we can have at an adjustable rate, what's the worst that could happen?'

CCTV? Good grief, what do they think I'm going to vandalise in here??

"I'm getting real sick of picking up your laundry, Adam."

"Having bitten the apple I think we should cover our phones with fig-leaves."

'On that Noah thing, just rinse and repeat as necessary.'

"D'you have sparkling?"

'The middle east eh! See somebody's wife has been turned into a pillar of salt, the Hittites are at it again, a load of slaves have escaped fro Egypt by parting the sea, and some lot have destroyed the walls of Jericho with trumpets, when will ever end?'

"It's just a precaution, we've had a few close calls lately."

A patrolman pulls over a nude man on a motorcycle who is wearing angel wings and a snorkelmask. says:' Late for your baptism eh?.... .'

The Last Supper in a restaurant.

A priest is about to christen a baby with a bottle of champagne.

"Let's not forget who's christening WHO,sonny boy!"

Conrad Grebel (Anabaptism)

"How long have you been a child minder?"

"Now are you happy?"

'How can one person do so many stupid things?'

'What really worries me is that I was never baptized.'

David and Goliath's sons

Hank, the neighborhood homeless person was shocked when the lights came on in the sanctuary during his Saturday night bathtismal.