Biblical Banter Gifts

'He says its a subprime fruit we can have at an adjustable rate, what's the worst that could happen?'

'Aren't you going to add a disclaimer?'

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

Moses' Tablet

'The Lord spake to Moses? You mean voice mail?'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

"What did you expect in the land of milk and honey?"

"We've been wandering in the desert for forty years. But he's a man—would he ever ask directions?"

The Beer Garden of Eden: "This hard cider is life-changing. Try a sip."

KING HEROD INTERROGATES THE WISE MEN TO KNOW BABY JESUS'S WHEREABOUTS

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

Noah's life jacket demonstration

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

The Reason Ed isn't mentioned in the bible.

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"Have your people call my people."

'Don't worry it's organic...'

"At lease we managed to stop the leak before the water reached 'E' Deck."

"Lord, business is slow and I'm getting frustrated. If I change my name to 'Job' would that give me more PATIENTS?"

'Psst, Noah - there's a rumour going round that the dodos are gay.'

'Did You say 'ark' or 'ork'?'

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

"Jesus is talking again with the tax collectors. We must be close to the fiscal year end."

"Don't forget the screenplay."

Quick, follow that star

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'I'm not complaining or anything, but these are going to be really hard on our self-esteem!'