Banking Humor Gifts

'Too late. The government beat you to it.'

Please enter your wallet.

Ask About Our Attractive Deposit Rates

"Collateral? How about I teach you what ties to avoid?"

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

"Sorry, but you're a loan risk."

'To placate the public, we've done away with the cash bonuses and have found another way to compensate you.'

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I need a loan or a bailout so I can evolve,'

Screw up Assange's finances and I'm closing my accounts.

Secret Identity Theft.

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

'I'd like to apply for a job as a predatory lender.'

'Contract? No contract. We do all our business with nothing more than a handshake.'

"There's a $2.00 service fee for that friendly greeting."

'There's a five dollar discrepancy in my bank balance. Would you mind if I counted the money?'

'I suppose a loan to send them to summer camp could be called a home improvement loan.'

'If you're opening a joint account, Dr. Jekyll, the other account holder has to be here to sign.'

'A rogue nation robbed the World Bank!'

"Sorry, but we're only accepting deposits at this time."

'Sorry. We've had to close your 'chicken' account ma'am. Everything you write bounces.'

Harvest Data Festival

Visit to the Bank Manager, "Marrying my daughter isn't the sort of security I had in mind, Harry!"

'You hold no authority that will allow you passage, and are ignorant of the magic password ... can you at LEAST tell me your mother's maiden name?'

'With all due respect for your horoscope, your loan payment is still due today.'

Full Service ATM: "Do you want fries with that?"

Cashier for Decoration Purposes Only

"I heard you are charging a monthly fee for using your debit card, and I'm here to complain!"