Bad Date Escape Pillows

Will pull fire alarm so you can ditch your online date.

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

"I asked for a bottle of something that would make men drool over me. This is bourbon."

'Listen, Geoffrey ...I know you're a clinical psychologist, but I DON'T have A.D.D. ! You're just incredibly boring.'

"I always say; 'You don't need to spend a lot of money to have a good time on a first date."

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

"It's gotta be a good place – we've been ignored for well over an hour now."

"Oh, for butter curls on ice!"

Sorry, I don't play footsie on the first date. Neither do I. I guess that leaves rats.

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

"This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a blind date!"

'What happens when your little sister misses her toy money?'

'It's not you, Richard. It's your ring tone.'

'You write books, you say!'

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but statistics show that 43% of 456 people covering 56% of the total demographic were 67% sure that we're really a lot of fun!"

'Some have a love life - I have a 'can't-stand-for-the-man-to-be-right' life.'

"Oh my god. She knows I schist my plants.

'This is the last time I'm going fishing with you, Harold!'

"So this is what we call a 'red flag'..."

"I rub my body with animal fat and swim around Manhattan."

'But enough about my interiority, how about you?'

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"You're the first guy I've met who really listens and blah, blah, blah..."

'Can you suggest a wine to go with someone who's going to be hitting the road as soon as this date is over?'

'No, everything is not all right. My date ran out without leaving money to pay the bill!'

I'm an investor. My star sign is predator.

"The date was a disaster: he grew up with pirates you see, so I couldn't understand half of what he was saying..."

Gimme a hot chocolate. On the rocks. Straight. Lady troubles? And how. Old Mr. Mort told me if I wanted to appeal to the ladies, I should watch some old black and white movies and do what those guys do. So I started jogging downstairs sideways like Cary Grant. I said "see!" after every sentence like James Cagney. I ran in place and yelled "whoop-whoop-whoop!" like Curly. All the girls loved it. But now I have four playdates scheduled at the same time! Not at all where I thought that was going.

"I miss the days when people were ashamed to admit they met online."

'My Mother makes me wear this - It's my name and address in case I get lost.'

'Where are all these alien abductors when you need them?'

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."

"Damn. The minute I eat a stink bug, in walks Mr. Wonderful!..."