Bad Date Survivor Pillows

'Here comes my date now. When I first met him, I assumed he was a good listener, but that hasn't been the case.'

"I'm not proposing marriage, but I'm not ruling it out, either."

"I drink scotch and smoke Cubans because I'm a young Turk."

'Sure. That's why I wear open-toed sandals.'

"I'm not ready for a relationship, maybe after I've finished this bottle of wine?"

It was the first blind date she'd been on where she wished she was actually blind.

The beer-proof beret!

Your online dating profile said you were lean and mean.

'Oh, sorry. I guess I forgot to mention we're going to a nudist resort.' (Another memorable first date for Jennifer.)

Though Mary's date puts her to sleep, she's saved by her airbag.

"This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a blind date!"

"I'd definitely like to see you again. When is the circus due back in town?"

"Anyway, enough about you. Let's talk about me."

"I have never dated a taxi driver before."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

"It was meant to be a surprise romantic dinner for two, but to cut a long story short, it's been a recipe for disaster."

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

'Let's forget the duck de la margola and order something else!' (man seeing duck fleeing from cook).

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

'What a day! My secretary was out, our biggest customer canceled a large order, the computer broke down, I didn't have any lunch, and leaving work I got stuck for an hour in the elevator with an 18 year old nympho with big breasts!'

"You have to get up early tomorrow, too? We have so much in common!"

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

Sorry, I don't play footsie on the first date. Neither do I. I guess that leaves rats.

"It's gotta be a good place – we've been ignored for well over an hour now."

Tunnel of lurve

"Oh, for butter curls on ice!"

'It's not you, Richard. It's your ring tone.'

'What happens when your little sister misses her toy money?'

"Sorry - you're just not my type...!"

James and Sarah had no chance of sex with antibiotic resistant gonorrhea keeping them apart

'You write books, you say!'

'Let me just run through the offside rule.'

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but statistics show that 43% of 456 people covering 56% of the total demographic were 67% sure that we're really a lot of fun!"

"So this is what we call a 'red flag'..."