Bad Dates Pillows

"I'll be honest, Raymond. I really don't give a damn about the wetlands."

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

"So besides opera and lurking, what do you do to relax?"

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

"Just our luck. We finally see the 'feel good' movie of the year and it's December."

'They were going to get married when they were young, but he kept forgetting the wedding date!'

"This is all very romantic, but I can't see my fork."

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

"Hey, no kidding! I prefer slow dancing, too!"

"It's gotta be a good place – we've been ignored for well over an hour now."

"This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a blind date!"

'It's not you, Richard. It's your ring tone.'

'But enough about my interiority, how about you?'

"I rub my body with animal fat and swim around Manhattan."

'This is the last time I'm going fishing with you, Harold!'

"Oh my god. She knows I schist my plants.

"Birthday? No? Anniversary?

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

'You write books, you say!'

'Some have a love life - I have a 'can't-stand-for-the-man-to-be-right' life.'

"You're the first guy I've met who really listens and blah, blah, blah..."

"Sunsets were cooler before he wore transition lenses."

"I miss the days when people were ashamed to admit they met online."

'...so you wouldn't have to spend any money in the pub.'

"I collect fridge magnets that look like little fridges."

"I walked up to this hot girl with two drinks in my hands, and she turned to me, smiled and said, are you lost, Grandpa? The toilets are back there."

"The date was a disaster: he grew up with pirates you see, so I couldn't understand half of what he was saying..."

I'm an investor. My star sign is predator.

'My Mother makes me wear this - It's my name and address in case I get lost.'

Rudy, I went out on a date last night. It was a miserable failure. Sorry. As my employee, you've seen me day in and day out. You know me better than anyone. Rudy, do I, your boss and sole source of income, have some personality flaw? Or did the fault lie with my date. Feel free to speak candidly. Mother.

'Where are all these alien abductors when you need them?'

'No, everything is not all right. My date ran out without leaving money to pay the bill!'

Today is "twosday": Tuesday 2-22-22! To celebrate, this twosome presents "twotoonsday"! Two toothless toucans in tutus. Two twenty-two twenty-two times two ... too!

Though Mary's date puts her to sleep, she's saved by her airbag.