Backyard Storytellers Gifts

The one that got away, 'It was this big.'

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

'It's not easy being green on grass!'

'We use to tiptoe through the tulips. . . now we just waddle through the weeds.'

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

Kid to fellow fisherman: 'Why do they stink like fish when they've been bathing this whole time?'

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

'Sometimes, I wonder if Master realizes we are dogs: He always says 'good boy, good boy'...'

'She barely made it out of the atmosphere... next!'

"This never happened."

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

'Must really be a terrible headache you've got there, Doctor.'

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

"By God, Man! Yes!! This is the stuff we're looking for!"

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

'The birdseed's okay. But I just like driving 'em crazy.'

'I told you that rock wall climbing would be useful. I'll get our ball back with no trouble at all.'

I miss recess!

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

Wow, I don't know why we don't sit down like this more often!

'I've decided I'm going to be a fireman when I grow up.'

"Oh, you haven’t seen holiday drama ‘till you’ve met our little family."

"At first I was concerned about the Earth opening up. But I was going to build a fire pit, so it actually saved me a lot of time."

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"The pH level seems a little off."

"Okay, now we're too domesticated."

'Times sure have changed. When I was your age, I made them from scratch.'

Leaves drop from trees and bounce off a trampoline.

"Okay, if it hits the wall it's a triple, and if it goes through Mr. Baker's window, that's a home run."

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

A Salmon Lie