Awkward Comedians Gifts

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

"Think outside the box but never forget who owns the box."

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

My brilliant career

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'Not here - home!'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

'Item 56, we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Sorry, you can't cash in your vacation time. Since you didn't use it, tell it Bon Voyage!"

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Man leaving his office with his computer tangled around his leg,

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."

"Ok Watson, what have you dreamed up?"

Hirer to employee handing him lighted hat: 'You'll be starting at the bottom.'

"Matt, you look like you just saw a ghost who fired you!"

"Want to go watch the people who get to leave at a normal hour?"

"If the jumper cables don't work, I'll pour more motor oil on the keys."

'Don't hesitate to critize me, Herb, whenever I think I am wrong.'

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

'Oh yeah, ths boss is going to love the new hire.'

'I hired a motivational speaker once, but unfortunately all of my employees left to get better jobs.'

'Botox.'

'This associate has a first rate mind...and a third rate suit.'

It turns out people aren't buying our product because it's stupid.

Dead Man Presents Flat Line At Meeting

"Members of the board, my indecision is final."

On reflection I think I could have coped with just 340 degree feedback.

"Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade."