Awkward Humorist Gifts

"And I'm pretty sure he's seeing another woman."

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

"Well, this is an awkward purr."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

Stu just wanted to participate in the outdoor art class. . . alone. . . but Bob went ahead and invited himself anyway. . .

I'm ego surfing right now, looking up my name on different search engines.

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

"Occasionally he lobs a brick at the cat."

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

Set fazers to 'Wet Fart!'

"It's not you, Glen—it's your ex-wife. She's behind me, isn't she?"

Shy Man at Party

'I hope you'll excuse the pajamas. They save time when people leave.'

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

'Now THERE'S a friendship I've never quite understood. That's Ludwig van Beethoven on the left, with Harvey Fernquist, the inventor of telephone 'hold' music!'

Man spilling coffee and papers, looking like an awkward dance

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

Lenny, the Fifth Wheel of the Apocalypse

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

Develop Your Social Skills: Try asking about something someone just said....

Giant Visitor

Things you don't want to hear on a blind date.

"So, do you come nowhere often?"

'They're still waiting for Godot.'

Sock puppet down!: 'A hand! I need a hand!'

'I've found this lump on my testicle, would you like to have a look?'

'It's never an easy decision, but if you're looking for something economical, why don't you take a look at out value menu-er...Value model?'