Awkward Situation Humorist Gifts

"Surprise visitor! Come and kiss mother."

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

Bad Interview Technique

Worries of the first single cell organism. Should I divide? Maybe I won't like my other self! Maybe it won't like me! Two might be nice company. Three, though, that could be crowded.

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"I've thought about what you said, about how plate tectonics will kill us all!"

"If you think the first half of this psychological test is intrusive, wait until you're grilled by me mother."

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

"Look, I know Estella has a boyfriend. I would never try to break them up. But it's not illegal to text friends...and we're still friends..."

"Since I heard there was a monster I can't sleep at night!"

"So, have you two been doing anything reproductive?"

'I hope I'm not intruding...'

Shy Man at Party

'Now that's what I call a worthy cause.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: Alumnae News

'Check this out Henry, the stripper has arrived.'

'Can‘t you knock before coming in? I could have been doing God knows what...'

Cake Shop: Parking Meter

"Did I just butt-dial my booty call?"

"I could see my mating dance had caught her eye, so I put more energy into it, but I ended up sweaty and out of breath: she lost interest then. . ."

"Before I give you this anonymous Valentine's card could you just sign this waiver confirming that you won't fall uncontrollably in love with me, or take out a sexual harassment suit."

Why hamsters don't sleep at night.

"Serious drinkers recommend hanging on to the maraschino."

'Anyone can arrange a blind date, only truly great ones can arrange a whole relationship.'

'I just don't think it appropriate to have your old divorce lawyer as your best man.'

"The interview was going great until she noticed on my c.v. that I was her ex husband."

'Better than looking at four walls is here.'

'Geesh! Didn't your mom ever tell you to put on clean underwear in case you get in an accident?!'

Duncan made a real faux pas when he heard that his blind date was expecting a baby.

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

"So, do you come nowhere often?"