Astrology Skeptic Gifts

'With all due respect for your horoscope, your loan payment is still due today.'

'So what's your sign?'

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"If there were really a God, trees would come with outlets and wifi hubs."

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

Planting by the Moon.

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

"I don't like space."

"Sure, it's Good News, but is it fake news?"

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

"Dont believe anything those guys have told you. None of it. It's all B.S."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

''Faith can move mountains'? -- That's actually a little disturbing.'

'Fortune telling/retirement planning'

The Inner Dog.

'I hope there's something better on the 'other side'!..'

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

"Anyway, it turned out that god was a ruddy algorithm after all!"

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"So, what is your star sign?"

Monster Horrorscopes

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

'It may look that way... But actually, I'm an atheist

"Nothing is as it seems, my son."

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"