Assessor Gifts

"Smart Arse"

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

In and Out Tray

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and you can charge a consulting fee."

'Answer these constituents letters. Tell them to go to hell in a nice way.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Stock market investment advice

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

The transparent safe box of Panama

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

Department of efficiency and cost analysis.

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.