Property Assessor Gifts

"Are your taxes based on usable living space or actual square footage?"

Cross-stitched land survey.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"This one has nicer sand, but I think I prefer the tree on the last one we saw."

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"Smart Arse"

'Don't worry. The first 30 years of being an inspector are the hardest.'

"You've got termites."

See the house whose property taxes were raised

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

'At least this means we won't need a coal mining search.'

Real Estate Life

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have a bit of trouble with those in the back yard.'

"That's way out of my price range..."

"With skyrocketing condo prices these days I can easily get $2.5 million."

Valuation of Heaven

"And if what they say about global warming is true you should have year round use of the pool by 2075."

For Sale, just to find the true value.

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors, slip-and-fall warning, and, barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

Valentines for Real Estate

"How come they call these tax returns when I never get any money returned?"

"It's not a listing error. This really is a dream house because you have to imagine it."

"... And how long have you had this irrational fear that you'll never get a mortgage?"

"I have found a house in your price range, but it will be a long commute every day from Greenland."

Land Sale

"Is it me or is this mini home trend getting out of control?"

"That's the worst case of rising damp I've ever seen!"

"Location, location, location!"

'Just look at it! The lot alone is worth an underwater mortgage.'

'Eve, have you ever wondered just how much this property's worth?'

"This one is a storybook Arts and Crafts home. The glitter stencils and macaroni art is all original."

A. Einstein. E = MC2. Yes, I do space-time research, but that doesn't mean I know how to get you out of your timeshare contract.