Home Appraiser Gifts

Negative Equity Meter.

For Sale Not for sale.

"Murray, I need you to push a little harder on my home sale. I'm starting to get a little under water on my mortgage."

"So, the Scharfs have an atoll. Big deal."

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

'I found the termites!'

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

'The roof needs icing.'

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

"Homes on Holmes"

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

"What do you mean you wouldn't sweat the water in the basement."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

The builder had said there would be some settling after the house was finished, so really the home owners shouldn't complain.

"It's obviously an original."

"I now recognize the basement was a bad idea."

'What are they worth? Well, it's difficult to put a price on such extraordinary works of art. How much you got?'

"Central heat. Pretty posh."

Santa hosing the Chimney.

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).