Home Appraiser T-Shirts

Negative Equity Meter.

For Sale Not for sale.

"Murray, I need you to push a little harder on my home sale. I'm starting to get a little under water on my mortgage."

"So, the Scharfs have an atoll. Big deal."

'I found the termites!'

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

'The roof needs icing.'

"Homes on Holmes"

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

The builder had said there would be some settling after the house was finished, so really the home owners shouldn't complain.

"I now recognize the basement was a bad idea."

"It's obviously an original."

'What are they worth? Well, it's difficult to put a price on such extraordinary works of art. How much you got?'

Santa hosing the Chimney.

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).

"Can you guess how much it will be worth after you die?"

Frenchy Fries, one of the world's greatest art forgers

"First, we install proper insulation. Then we call the Museum of Natural History."