Appraiser Gifts

Antiques Roadshow - "Of course the value would have been considerably higher if you had the pear."

"Now, what am I bid for this beautiful piece, which comes with the original owner?"

"I need a valuation on my document please."

"I've had you appraised."

'Yes, I know you've been calling here for years trying to get a hold of Mr. Shelton, but he isn't in right now. . . he hasn't returned from his first-ever appraisal!'

A lot of auctioneers

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).

Reality of the Antique Roadshow: 'I bought it at a garage sale for $10.' 'Ha! You really got ripped off!'

"Oh yeah, if it weren't for Antiques Roadshow we would have been out on the street long ago."

Valuation of Heaven

'The sugar chest is original but the contents are artificial.'

Antiques Store with a bin outside with a sign saying 'Not for Sale'.

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

I brake for anything discarded that I can bring to the antiques roadshow.

"How can we tell if this old movie poster is valuable?"

'Going...Going...Gone! Sold to the lady with more money than sense.'

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"It's called 'Sold'."

"Your first thirty days is a probationary period. Following that, we'll review your performance and consider giving you a cubicle with a door!"

"I got it from eBay."

The Derby- Horse Auction at Tattersall's

'I applied the instant rebate and the returning customer loyalty reward, so that comes to fifty cents.'

"Smart Arse"

"It's obviously an original."

The Battle of the Pictures.

Titanic iceberg auction