Appraisals Gifts

"I admire your dogged determination."

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

'They all want to play the star.'

"Which part are you reading for?"

Presenter Auditions.

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

Peacock of Productivity

Giving feedback is a complex process.

"You seem to be balancing your workload well."

"I've had you appraised."

"Sorry, dude. . . but you just don't fit into our group!"

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

Son, I don't think this was how Whistler painted HIS mother.

"Well, you're certainly on our short list."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"You've been offered a role as a husband who's been married for thirty years."

"Your first thirty days is a probationary period. Following that, we'll review your performance and consider giving you a cubicle with a door!"

Casting Director

Ventriloquist Audition

'I applied the instant rebate and the returning customer loyalty reward, so that comes to fifty cents.'

"Yes, you do go the extra mile for this company. But you've been going in the wrong direction."

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

"It's not that you're a failure. It's that you completely lack the capacity for success."

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

"That's excellent, Caroline!"

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).

I brake for anything discarded that I can bring to the antiques roadshow.

"Here's the deal. I'll stop playing my bagpipes when you stop playing your banjo."

"I need you to step up to the Mark."

'I've read my appraisal and this is my solicitor - I intend to sue you!'

She's a natural.

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'