Artsy Conversationalist Gifts

"I would've started my novel by now, but I've been to busy suffering!"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

'May I suggest a pleasant viognier to put the subtext into gear?'

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"I've learned to give up when I hear Brooklyn in your voice."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"It's PENCILvania!!!"

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."