Applying For Education Gifts

"I'd like to apply for the work-study program."

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

Look! There's a photo of our eco club's Earth Day actions in the newspaper! Sports. Power up the green machine!! I could use more copies. Me too. They're going to really power up my college applications.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

State U. He procrastinated and is now trying to do all the work for his middle English literature class in a couple of days. "Canterburied," is he?!

'It's a private school. Can't say which one, it's private.'

The timing doesn't work for eco-club to start a garden. I have a better idea. Build a compost bin. You can recycle the school's leaves and grass clippings. You'll have good soil for a garden next spring. That's not enough time for college admissions essays. Write about the trauma of delayed gratification. Never heard of it.

"Of course I'm not quitting school, Dad! If anything, I've learned that if you want to succeed, you need passion and leadership and a whatever-it-takes attitude!"

"The extent of your extracurricular activities in high school, may very well be participation in regular program of oral hygiene using an effective decay preventaative tooth paste, but that won't get you into a good university."

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

"...and would you like to enroll her in pre-pre-pre-med or pre-pre-law?"

I'm freaking out! Thursday is dress rehearsal. Nerves? Work! I've got a math and history test on Friday. Why did I ever sign up for the spring musical? Because it's fun? West Fester High School. On my college application it'll look like I had fun. It'll go with your "Looks aren't important" essay.

'I'm sorry...we're not sure you're self obsessed enough.'

1/2 Full Foundation: Optimists only need apply.

Boho Bribes

'...and, if I don't get a place, I'll kill myself.'

'If you aren't careful, son, you'll be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

Wow! Look at all these college brochures. You're soo popular! The top colleges in the country want me to apply! Um, Twig. You know they're trolling for applicants to boost their stupid rankings. That's ok. At least I'll be rejected by the very best! You can visit me at Harvard.

I'm forgetting which college is which. Their brochures are all alike. University of. It's always fall or spring. Apply! There's always a multi-cultural group of kids hanging out. There's always a girl in goggles working in a science lab with an ethnic-looking prof. It's reassuring. They all celebrate their diversity in the exact same way! And charge the exact same for it!

"I've spent more sending my son on college campus tours than I did getting my degree."

'Yale's my first choice but any ivy school will do.'

"Today we're filling out mock college applications."

'I'm sorry but we don't have athletic scholarships for video games.'

As he picked up the video game controller, the trap was sprung, and Ryan's mother forced him to fill out college applications.

'They're praying the school doesn't find out that they've been pretending to be religious.'