Apple Dodger Gifts

'If I hit the apple, we call it archery. If I hit the guy, we call it acupuncture.'

Big Hank's shooting gallery.

'sugar and spice my eye.'

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

'officially, I'm on leave, but I'm really just ducking the media.'

"Knowing two languages is sure handy when telemarketers call."

Melvin would go to any lengths to get away from McDonald's advertising...

Also I don't like coffee, so I'll be working through my coffee breaks.

"I'm the designated driver."

Hunter hits duck with ejected shell.

"Isn't this so much better without our devices?"

'Yeah, Kirby, it hurts like hell, but dang if I can't stop wigglin' it.'

Never Ask A Man To Change The Baby.

Trying to come up with yet another password...

"If you wouldn't book hotels with such great amenities, I wouldn't miss so many seminars."

"If you'd bullshitted your work like the rest of us, you'd be home by now."

'That's why your checkbook balance looks so good. You sent all of your online bills to the junk file.'

Lucky Break

"This is definitely the last time for Chapter Seventeen!"

'Darling, I've just deleted the computer,'

"Must...not gaze into...his eye! For I may...never break free!"

"So I'm thinking...why bother with all the junk mail?"

'Now I know why they call you Cinderella... You're always running away from the ball.'

"If that's for me, tell them I'm in a meeting."

'That's it, Darlene -- conserve your energy for the final lap! Stay right in her draft!'

"Be careful with your third wish. Another book you might already have read would be a bummer."

'Forget the water, give me some golf clubs. I haven't swung a club in days.'

"We interrupt this endless stream of mind-numbing adverts to bring you a TV programme..."

"What's to prevent some total stranger anywhere on the world from paying my bills."

"Severe lactose intolerance - he can't even look at a cow."

'If you don't want to know the scores please exercise your distrust of the BBC now.'