Apathy Humorist Gifts

Attention: Due to a lack of interest we have dropped the APATHY channel - Sorry for any inconvenience.

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

"I've thought about what you said, about how plate tectonics will kill us all!"

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

Worries of the first single cell organism. Should I divide? Maybe I won't like my other self! Maybe it won't like me! Two might be nice company. Three, though, that could be crowded.

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"It's not the walking — it's the waiting."

"Since I heard there was a monster I can't sleep at night!"

Shy Man at Party

Safe harbour

"Personally, I never take anything but aspirin."

"Why Americans don't vote"

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Why hamsters don't sleep at night.

Pre-minstrel Tension.

"If anything happens, Janice, I love you."

No Presents Until Christmas Day

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

"Surprising me- that's your life's work."

"We will begin with Schubert's 'Unfinished' Symphony, and that will be followed by Beethoven's 'Unwanted Sexual' Overture."

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

"I think the man in the corner may have the covid."

'Loser on Board'

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

Not to do list - Vote.

"If this is going to take long, is there some place I can charge my phone?"

Heart palpitations. What? I've got sweaty palms, weak knees, aches, dizzy, warm brow

"He forgot to record his show, so he had to watch it live. 693 commercials in one hour was too much for him to handle."

"Look at this grade...I just don't get it! Where is this coming from?"

Environmentally friendly woman putting slug killer down

Human Cull: People who spend 10 minutes in line for food and only read the menu to make up their mind when they get to the front.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.