Adversity Humorist Gifts

"He forgot to record his show, so he had to watch it live. 693 commercials in one hour was too much for him to handle."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"I've thought about what you said, about how plate tectonics will kill us all!"

Worries of the first single cell organism. Should I divide? Maybe I won't like my other self! Maybe it won't like me! Two might be nice company. Three, though, that could be crowded.

Art of Surviving

'I've been sitting on this mountain for 25 years, and what I've learned is that true happiness can only be found in the soothing relief of a fast-acting hemorrhoid cream!'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

I'm ego surfing right now, looking up my name on different search engines.

Echo Mountain...NO Yodeling! - Falling rock zone.

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

"You look like the kind of folks who laugh at adversity."

Superhero with Acrophobia

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

Zombie Worker Apocalypse

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

Targeted Advertising

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

The End is Near. Have A Cone.

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

"Since I heard there was a monster I can't sleep at night!"

'So, just how long were you at the School of Hard Knocks?'

Safe harbour

Attention: Due to a lack of interest we have dropped the APATHY channel - Sorry for any inconvenience.

'Surely you could have missed one episode of Eastenders !!'

"Gee, I'm sorry this had to happen on our first date!"

"It was at this point St. Paul felt like he could not catch a break!"

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

"My handicap is the water, trees, windows, the highway..."

Why hamsters don't sleep at night.

"I didn't spend seventeen days climbing this bloody mountain, in all weathers, for a lecture on personal hygiene!"

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'