Anxious Viewer Gifts

A family hides from the TV news.

What are you in the mood to get confused watching tonight?

Fear of news.

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

Before her first dressage competition, Kate suffered from Pre-Traumatic Stress.

"They're willing to throw in their kidneys."

"They're from accounting, sir, they're not very verbal."

"To be perfectly frank, the preceding was a paid political bunch of lies."

"Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the, 'everything's wonderful' cable news?"

"Feel free to imagine you might have any of the conditions you read about in the magazines."

The longest Tuesday ever...

'Well, here's the problem...that IS his comfort zone.'

'She will not call on me, she will not call on me, she. . .'

"Oh, he's been counting sheep-shearing shows."

"Just get out there and be yourself – or better yet, someone like me."

Idlewild.

'Warning: portions of the following program may destroy what little faith you have left in human nature.'

Bubbie's parrot

Worry about everything that might happen/Me/Be ready for nothing that does happen.

The reassurer: the magazine for chronic worriers

I called Laurel an hour ago and she hasn’t called me back. What could possibly be the reason? She no longer likes me; She's gotten into a horrible accident; She's having an affair with Justin Timberlake? She's moving to Europe without telling me?! HOJ. She hasn't gotten the message yet? She's moving to Europe with Justin Timberlake.

"Anyway, all you'll need to worry about soon is which direction the wind is blowing."

"You go on ahead, I'll just sit here and think."

Turn off the tv! Blasphemy. I have Extreme Partisanship Syndrome. I can't hear about politics. I get too riled up. It could kill me. No more Fox, or MSNBC, or even the networks. Fine, but there are other options. Can't this kill me too? Just the mind. Tonight on Biggest Loser: Jog eating.

"Are there any careers where I won't get replaced by an app?"

"This retail therapy isn't working for me."

"He never has any stress but he is a carrier."

"No, he's not one of ours. Have you tried accounting?"

'I don't want to be a doctor! I'm liable to be sued for malpractice!'

"Hypochondria isn't normal, so I'm still sick... right?"

Although he had interviewed lots of applicants who were nail-biters, this guy was by far the most annoying.

Based On A True Story

The Modern World is so Full of Anxiety

"We like to watch it with our chairs turned and the sound off."