Anxious Ponderer Gifts

I called Laurel an hour ago and she hasn’t called me back. What could possibly be the reason? She no longer likes me; She's gotten into a horrible accident; She's having an affair with Justin Timberlake? She's moving to Europe without telling me?! HOJ. She hasn't gotten the message yet? She's moving to Europe with Justin Timberlake.

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"Needs to get a life"

Crowded Ice Fishing

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'I made a hundred on the Spanish test. Gracias.'

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

"Sitting here with you each day at sunset reminds me I have to get a job."

"You dropped yer wallet."

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

Max Weber

'When you invented vegetables, Sir, did you know that my mother would be able to fit them all into one garden?'

'Sometimes, in the stillness and warmth of an afternoon sun, I can almost hear interest compounding.'

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

"Is this as good a bad time as any other bad time you've experienced?"

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

Prepper Dog

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

"Oh no, not another pandemic!"

Telling Self to Buzz Off

'I can't shake off this feeling we're being watched.'

'Yes sir, Thoreau had the right idea.'

"Have you tried turning off your conscious mind and then turning it back on again?"

'Do you get the feeling we're being watched?'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

Fish sleeps while counting worms that jump over a fence.

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

'I keep thinking I'm being watched...'

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."