Anti-santa Pillows

"Have you got anything for a miserable old codger who hates Christmas and everything to do with it."

Punk Reindeer

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

'Listen, Santa. Either you repay what you owe, or we reposses Rudolph!'

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

Santa Elevator

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

"Sorry, I don't really believe in being social offline."

"I'm kind of a big deal in antisocial media."

"Die alone"

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

'Shhhhh...He's preparing for the holiday season.'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

I brake for Jetliners.

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

About Santa 2017.

Rudolph is at bar speaking to a patron-'So he asks me if I'll pull his sleigh and I'm like-'Not until I get that backpay you owe me fatso!' '

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

Don't fly and text.

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

"What I want for Christmas is to have the day off and watch 'Miracle on 34th Street'."

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

Dead cupid

Outward bound/Homeward bound.

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'