Animal Exploitation Analyst Gifts

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'With 73 dog obedience books read between us, I think we must consider defeat.'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

Bears catching fish

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

"If you can’t beat ’em, roll around in their decaying carcass."

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'You show me how to pass that ridiculous company loyalty test, and I'll show you how to always land on your feet!'

'Oh my God, dog biscuits are down!'

Ophiologist

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

'Right, you peck his left paw, I'll go for the right one.'

Surfer and the Whale

'That's what I wanted to ask you about.'

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"Why would I demean myself to be Master's best friend when I can be Master's master?"

'Please Miss, I know why birds fly south in the winter. It's because it's too far to walk!'

Zoo Psychological Center. We had a good group session today. The cougar talked about her trouble having a romantic relationship with someone her own age. The wolf opened up about wearing sheep's clothing. And we all assured the newt that an identity crisis is common among amphibians. The gorilla is having a tough day so he's staying for an individual session. There's nothing wrong with you ... a lot of people tend to ignore 800-pound gorillas.

'Switch off that mobile phone, we can't afford to have you distracted: You're on watch duty!'

I'm not just being paranoid, Margret. His breath smells like dolphin and I even found a flipper in his coat pocket yesterday. I really think Earl's hitting the bottlenose again.

'I'm a good ape, but I've never really been a great ape.'

Noah's Art Sports Network. Are we all set for the Super Bowl broadcast? I think so. The turtle will handle the pregame show which seems to drag on forever. A zebra will be brought on to analyze close calls referees have to make. The sloth is in charge of slow motion shots. And color will be provided by the chameleon. Thankfully, there's a retractable roof over at the stadium. That's good. The forecast says there's a possibility of a little rain.

'George, kitty got tired of waiting for us to let her in.'

"The only difference between the big cats and us is that they can be trained."

'Dogs are nothing but kiss-ups!'

'Fidelity is overrated.'

"Great work son, but you should have gone for the baby!"

'Ed's in medical research.'

'Individually lemmings are fine, but get a bunch of 'em together and they'll head straight for the nearest cliff.'