Analog Aficionados Gifts

Technophobes Illustrated Dictionary - Digitally Mixed - Any drink stirred without the use of a spoon, swizzle stick or any other tool/utensil.

"'Dancing Queen' MY WOTSIT! Fiddle with your own cassette!"

I.T. Fear

"At some point, there's only so high you can raise the volume before you admit you're never gonna understand what British detectives are saying."

"Midtown Vinyl. Vintage albums + EPs. Midtown Ink. Vintage books + newspapers."

"We were looking for a non-hackable, energy efficient data center. Thanks for the file cabinet."

'And I say he makes us look bad when he rides around listening to those books.'

"Yes, we still love print, don't we?"

Ralph Stanley

'He's not a 'bad' phone. He's just not a 'smart' phone.'

"Romance"

'If you don't want to go digital, fine, but if you're going to store film in our cooler you have to save room some soda and beer."

"It's called a mobile... but I've been here an hour and have yet to see it move."

"The best thing is he works without WiFi or a data plan."

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

"Dear diary, I'm leaving you for a Twitter account—it's not you, it's technology..."

'But Miss, I've only just got the hang of 'the little hand' and 'the big hand'...'

Ernie's Music. Ernie, you're opening a music store? Yep, I'm going to serve a niche market. I won't be selling CD's or any other digital music. I also won't be selling the old cassette or eight-track tapes. I'm only selling records. I'm catering to audiophiles who appreciate the unique sound quality they deliver. That's great! Are you going to adverties? Yeah, my tagline is "All sales vinyl"

"I wish I could just focus on the future and quit revisiting the past."

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"In case of emergency, do you know how to work a pencil?"

Sundial Watch

'It was great! I learned how to use dial phones, drive a standard transmission and cook without a microwave...'

Damian plays his walkman too load once too often.

Woman putting correction fluid on a computer screen

Although I loathe you with a passion, I've decided to put you in my will. I'm rich! On one condition. Name it. Your inheritance cannot be spent on anything that blinks, beeps, buzzes, charges, flashes … boots up, plugs in, takes batteries … Whoa, hold up … emails, downloads, texts, web-surfs, or in any way prevents you from getting out in the world and interacting in person with other human beings. It can't be spent on any of that nonsense … but … Yes? … But it does have to be walked twice a day

VINYL HISS

You'll see, Chet; sales will pick up as soon as this whole Internet fad blows over.'

'I have no idea what makes that guy tick.'

"I prefer the texture of printed books."

Cassette Deck

"The fact that you're writing your presentation in giant letters makes me think you still haven't figured out how to use a PowerPoint presentation."

Ok, go back through and twist behind me. Then I think we're done. Your Earbuds While You Sleep.

I've just learned that Rudy Park's best-selling memoir, iMac Therefore I Am is a pack of lies. How could you dupe us all? I want to come clean. I want to apologize to my readers. It is not true that I cured cancer, married Paris Hilton and invented the computer! You're so off Mort's recommended book list. It is true you are all a bunch of gullible ninnies.

We're going to eat your iPhone. It's got nutrients! Back off. You won't touch her! Cannibals. Picture the precious little thing, buttered and salted, grilled to perfection on a spit. Delirium or something more profound? Your laptop for an appetizer! It's got feelings!