Amputee Stories Gifts

"Welcome and here is your ear and arm back."

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

"well done rescuing my son. Now, your final task is to quietly transfer the baby to the cradle upstairs, without waking him."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'Have you been waiting long?'

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

Being Serenading in Casualty

Robinson Crusoe's blog.

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

The incomplete Angler

'You have an 85% chance of surviving this and 20% chance of wishing you hadn't.'

What? I had to fire our flare gun at him before he fired his flare gun at us!

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

'If it wasn't for you darling - I think I would go crazy!'

"Holy water, holy water...."

'I wish I'd never seen Lost, now.'

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

"The surgery went well. You'll be issued a 'Contains No Nuts' card upon discharge."

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'-but the fire's on the GROUND floor!'

"Code blue! Code blue! His heart's grown three times it's size!"

"Dangerous? Nah, I could count on one hand the number of times he's bitten me."

'Yes, I suppose I can learn to live with the pain in my foot. After all, I've been living with a pain in the neck for years!'

'His mother wants to know if you'll give him a haircut after you remove his tonsils.'

New You Plastic Surgery. That's right, doctor, I gave her the bill and her nose went right out of joint again.

Martin Gray.

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. The anesthesiologist is on vacation."

'There are only two things stopping you from being a good dancer, Mr. Jones. Your feet!'

"Hey, I'm just happy the transplant worked at all."

'Gee!'

'What luck. It's Kosher.'

'If it has the word 'ectomy' after it, I've already had it.'