Amateur Grandmaster Gifts

Chess cleaner

'How about a game of cards?'

'Upgrades? Yes, we've programmed it to excrete a few drops of water if it should lose a chess match. You know - tears.'

"I'm watching the dog cheat at solitaire."

Man mourns the loss of his king after being checkmated.

"Hurry up, I'm hungry."

Learn to play the violin in one weekend - 'This isn't working! It's Saturday evening already and I've only got as far as holding it properly...'

'Quit clowning about, Fred.'

"If you dress in a costume that they can't figure out, they feel guilty and give you more candy."

"You're way too strong Dad: You've overshot the green by about two hundred metres..."

"Why, Giambattista Tiepolo, you old so-and-so! Who knew you could paint?"

"He was right, you know - a queen can move as many spaces as she likes."

Man having picture of caught fish sees that cat has eaten it.

Art Museum: Our exhibit of forgotten masters continues with What's His Name...

Chess player painting all the pieces his colour.

Seagulls attacking Picnicker in Formation

'Sometimes I see problems and solutions with such clarity, I feel I've been infused with all the wisdom of the ages... THAT'S when I know I've had too much to drink.'

"That' was great - let's run though that again."

On the Eve of his epic defeat by 'Deep Blue', Garry Kasparove awoke to an ominous warning,

"You sure you've done this before."

'Billy, how many times have I told you to get your thumb out of your mouth? Betty, for heaven's sake, brush your hair out of your eyes.' 'An annoying auto-focus camera.'

'Could you take me through it once more? From the moment you said you couldn't pay the witch doctor's fee.'

"All this just to take a selfy!"

A Member of the Tate.

"I got the blues in the mornin', I got the blues at night..."

'That wasn't the home movie. That was the trailer.'

"My kind of course."

A minister forgetfully slipping into his other role as a photographer

New chess champion 31st November 2018

"And this is our budgie, 'Houdini'."

'Three hearts.'

Bobby Fischer

Citizen journalist Rudy Park with a question. Make it quick. Are you and Cort going together to heard Sean Hannity speak? We're sharing a car. Citizen journalist Rudy Park with a follow-up. Just one. Is it a date? Come clean! The people must know! What people?

Chess Disagreements

A not-so-happy God coming across some Angels playing Magic tricks with their Halos.