Gallery Grandmaster Gifts

A Member of the Tate.

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

'It's a Joan Biro.'

Painting taking root...

Well, you know these child prodigies - they can be very demanding about how their work is displayed.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

'Some days I just feel so stuck in a rut that I wish I'd never been invented!'

Misunderstood artist

'I could do that.'

'No, Timmy, we are not supposed to connect them.'

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

"The Leonardos, the Raphaels, Titians, Veroneses, Giottos... Italy wants them back, all 427 of them."

The Rise of Modern Art

'I just love this work from his macaroni period,'

"It said this 'Spilt Coffee' series afforded her a lifetime of lattes."

"Now this I get."

'My interpretation is that it deals with the artist's utter frustration over the scarcity of remaining, reasonable equity values.'

'Wow, talk about genius!'

'Upgrades? Yes, we've programmed it to excrete a few drops of water if it should lose a chess match. You know - tears.'

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'

Escher exhibition first floor

Art Gallery.

Rodin's Cattle-Grid

Man mourns the loss of his king after being checkmated.

I painted them all from memory.

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

German School

Curators at the Louvre Museum would regret approving the installation of a work on a wall behind the Mona Lisa.

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

Private Viewing

"I read 'Art News.'"