Alcohol Abstaining Gifts

"Surely a total abstainer would abstain from abstention?"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

"Right it's decided! We are both sober for October and Stoptober. Then Movember and Decembeard and Dry January, then..."

"Brian, isn't Dry January and Veganuary enough?!!"

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

'On the positive side, we were very impressed with the number of your personal weaknesses you were able to identify!'

"Our rule of thumb is: if it tastes good, don't eat it."

"I graduated summa cum laude caffeine-free, I'll have you know."

"About time!"

"In an effort to conserve water... I've stopped having it in my whisky."

'Pub drinking games with bottled water may be sensible, but they're bloody boring.'

All Washed Up

'The wife and I have decided to nominate our weekly drink-free days as tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.'

"I'm saving my abstinence for marriage."

"I'm getting not-so-subtle hints of Dry January remorse, envy and resentment."

"No wine or song! That doesn't leave much does it?"

'My name's Steve, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm pretty sure the guy vomiting behind my chair is too.'

'I'm on the wagon.'

"This Dry January thing is going to be a real challenge."

'Do you find it easy not to think about alcohol?'

Tee-totalitarian

Small child advocating teetotalism to his grandfather

"Sometimes I think, why am I here? What's the point?"

Elf on the Wagon

Teetotaler introducing his son to the schoolmaster

'...my dad recently gave up drinking and smoking and being able to tolerate sentient life forms.'

"Honestly, it felt like Dry January was never going to end."

'I tried jogging once, but it frothed up my beer.'

'I'm a teetotaler.'

"This is the best news I've read in a long time."

injured skier says medicinal brandy is bad