Alcohol Abstaining Gifts

"Surely a total abstainer would abstain from abstention?"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

"Right it's decided! We are both sober for October and Stoptober. Then Movember and Decembeard and Dry January, then..."

"Brian, isn't Dry January and Veganuary enough?!!"

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

'On the positive side, we were very impressed with the number of your personal weaknesses you were able to identify!'

"Our rule of thumb is: if it tastes good, don't eat it."

"I graduated summa cum laude caffeine-free, I'll have you know."

'Pub drinking games with bottled water may be sensible, but they're bloody boring.'

All Washed Up

"About time!"

"In an effort to conserve water... I've stopped having it in my whisky."

'The wife and I have decided to nominate our weekly drink-free days as tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.'

"I'm saving my abstinence for marriage."

"No wine or song! That doesn't leave much does it?"

'I'm on the wagon.'

'My name's Steve, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm pretty sure the guy vomiting behind my chair is too.'

"This Dry January thing is going to be a real challenge."

Small child advocating teetotalism to his grandfather

Tee-totalitarian

"Sometimes I think, why am I here? What's the point?"

Elf on the Wagon

'I was once teetotal, it was the worst two hours of my life!'

Teetotaler introducing his son to the schoolmaster

"This is the best news I've read in a long time."

'I tried jogging once, but it frothed up my beer.'

"Honestly, it felt like Dry January was never going to end."

'I'm a teetotaler.'

injured skier says medicinal brandy is bad

'...my dad recently gave up drinking and smoking and being able to tolerate sentient life forms.'