Wine Abstainer Gifts

'Well, if you're off wine and women, how the hell did you get in this state?'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

"As an avid red wine drinker, I can say, with certainty, that the notion that drinking clarity impares claret is false!"

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I make it myself!"

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Wine tasting

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

"House red, sir?"

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

'Ahh, the '74 Amarone. Unfortunately, I can't sell it to you. There's no possible way you'd appreciate it.'

"It tastes and smells just like a glass of wine!"

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

"It's an unpretentious little wine!"

Prosecco Drinker

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

"What wine goes best with vodka?"

'Dear, of course no one can tell you what they think of the wine, you haven't told them how much it cost yet.'

"Yeah, he changed water into wine but it was nothing you'd want to lay down."

"I'm getting gnats, I'm getting cats, I'm getting dogs..."

"The bad news is my doctor limited me to one glass of wine per day. The good news is I get to pick the glass."

"How much do you spend on a decent bottle of wine?"

"Here's the deal. If it tastes good, don't eat it."

'A 1982 bottle of KMart Beaujolais Nouveau? You shouldn't have, really. I mean you really, really shouldn't have...really.'

"Waiter, this wine is corked!"