Airline Etiquette Enthusiast Gifts

"And a mild sedative for the kid behind me."

"Quit kicking our seat!"

"How to talk to people" "Make them rue the day"

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

"Arr, we found your luggage, Captain."

'Are we there yet! Are we there yet! Are we there yet!'

'Hmmph. Here's an ad for affordable housing five minutes from downtown. By what means? Learjet?'

"How's my tripping you up?"

'I am on a diet! It's called the Wall Street diet. I invested in British Airways, and the first day I lost 500 pounds.'

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

'He's trying to figure out why airplanes get bigger while seats get smaller.'

Welcome to business class. Are you a member of big business or small business?

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

Flight Crew Lockdown Check List

'There he goes over the bag limit again!'

Going to Work. . .Coming Home

Woman goes to Origami Airport.

'I'm sorry, sir, but there is a 25 surcharge to use the lavatory,'

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

"I know what the airlines charge to check a bag is outrageous, but. . ."

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

On the monitors behind the check-in desk: Arrivals/Departures/Donations

"And that one shows my frequent flier miles."

"I can't believe they put us in dog class!"

"That's why you're so familiar, we flew together yesterday!"

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"We'll let you know when we find your luggage. Meanwhile, you qualified for our frequent lost luggage club."

"You have luggage? - Oh, we don't do LUGGAGE any more."

Excess Baggage: Meanwhile, back at baggage handlers university...

"How many bags to check in, sir?" "Only one piece of hand luggage." (case in the shape of a giraffe).

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

'Would yo like reading or non-reading?'

"As a frequent flier, you'll be entitled to stay in our airport lounge for up to a week during delays."

"Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the safety presentation. It's the only way you'll know the difference between the harmless scarlet kingsnake and the deadly Eastern coral snake."

'With my frequent flyer miles I was able to get a seat upgrade from the luggage compartment.'